Losing my Sister
Hello all,
I am back after a long hiatus from writing. Many events have transpired since our last talk. The greatest heartbreak of them all being the death of my sister, Whitney. It’s been difficult to process. Many days I still feel it isn’t real. Every time her passing crosses my mind it takes my breath away. How could this have happened? How can this be the life story? We were meant to grow old together, the 4 of us sisters, to become the Golden Girls, laughing our asses off until we peed ourselves, and then laughed some more. My life, in a sense, has stopped, since the day we lost her, Feb 1st, 2023.
In December 2022, Whitney flew home for Christmas from Dallas, TX where she lived. She was met by my mother at the airport, who was shocked at the sight of her. Whitney was rail thin and jaundice. My mother took her to the hospital to be evaluated. No one quite realized how close she was to the end.
I was hopeful for her recovery. Spending days in the hospital with her, grabbing on to any shred of good news the doctors could give. “She’s stable…for now.” “That’s great!” I would think. My sister needed a new liver and I was ready to give her part of my own after learning about a living donor. Of course, this was only after my sister Allie had offered hers, stating that it was an easy choice if it allowed Whitney to live. I had a lot of fear around the situation, but I knew I couldn’t let Allie go under the knife for Whit. She has a 6 year old son, and there are far too many risks involved. Allie needed to be there for her son. Unfortunately, we were both off of the hook after Whitney transferred to UNMC in Omaha, NE.
We had a meeting with the liver team at UNMC after Whitney had been evaluated, and after offering up a living donor, the doctors told us Whitney was too sick to receive a partial liver. My heart sank. A feeling of hopelessness started to seep in. What else could we do? We explored all options while Whitney continued to get blood transfusions and whatever else they were able to do to keep her levels stable. She had one really good day where she felt upbeat and even decided to do her hair and makeup. Whitney was really good at keeping a positive attitude throughout her hospital stay despite the pain and fear she was facing.
The thing I want people to understand about my sister is that she was a beautiful person with a great big heart, a drive for freedom and adventure, and the funniest, while often inappropriate, sense of humor. She had no filter. She was honest, to a fault, and had every intention of showing up for her 3 younger sisters in any way she was able. Whitney was loving, and she also struggled with addiction. No one really knows all the pain that was underneath her quick witted humor. My fear is others writing my sister off because of her struggles. She was my sister. I knew the fullness of who she was and everything she is to me now.
When I lost her, a part of my own self felt severed as well. She was “my Winnie, my sissy” - a statement I uttered over and over again in the hospital while she lay hooked up to a ventilator and tubes of all kinds after her heart failed and she was revived. Machines kept her alive long enough for her whole family to show up to her bedside to say goodbye.
There is so much I wish to share about her, her life, and the impact she made on this world, as well as how grieving her has had changed my life. I see the world through very different eyes and have been conscious to focus on the things most important to me, allowing the rest of what doesn’t matter to fall away. My heart has been forever changed by her passing. I can only live in each new moment. A life without her seems absolutely unfathomable, and there can be no sense made in her passing. I will miss her, I do miss her, and I will attempt, with all my might, to see and feel her in each of my days.
Goodbye for now my Winnie, my sissy. I love you beyond.
